Reflections of a werewolf
by aims80
Summary: !!Contains OOTP spoilers and slight slash!! After OOTP Remus has a lot to deal with. Please R&R.
1.

"Reflections of a werewolf."

WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS FOR "OOTP" SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, PLEASE DON'T READ.

Authors note: I started writing this story before "OOTP" came out, so obviously I've had to make some pretty big adjustments to the story since reading "OOTP", nonetheless I think it still contains the major part of my story pretty much in tact. At the moment the plan is for this story to either be a one off chapter or perhaps I might add a few chapters later, however it is definitely not going to be a long one, like some of my other epics. Also please note that this is my first story with even implied slash in it, so please go easy on me. Other than that, I hope you enjoy.

I sighed and glanced outside at the night. It was only another few night's before the full moon and now that I didn't have the protection of Snape's potions like at Hogwarts I'd been forced to find other ways to keep myself secure and make sure I didn't hurt anyone. I only hoped that my latest plan would work as well as the last one had.

There was a knock on the door. "Remus?" Someone called through the doorway, and instinctively I reached for my wand. In times like this you didn't know who you could trust. I'd secured the apartment, and the building itself was filled with charms which were meant to alarm me should someone untrustworthy enter the building. Just the other day the charms had gone off and I was convinced it was Voldemort or one of his death eaters who had worked out I was part of the Order. It turned out to be the young man down the hall in apartment 4B who was into petty thievery. 

I opened the door a crack and peered out into Molly Weasley's concerned face. "Molly thank god, I didn't know who you were." I said, opening the door wider to accommodate her bulk.

"I've brought you something to eat Remus. We're beginning to worry about you, you haven't been to the Order's headquarters once since….well you know." Molly said, and she held up a container of food.

"Thanks." I said, taking the container and putting it on the counter. 

"Remus, you can't keep on hiding here. We need you." Molly said. "For heavens sake, the second war's begun!"

"I know that only too well." I said bitterly. 

"Harry's been asking about you. Think about his loss, surely it's equal to yours." Molly pleaded.

"Are plans still coming along well?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Even better now the ministry is on our side." Molly said. "Although they made a mess of it before they decided to admit we were right."

"Mess of it all right." I agreed and I walked back over to the window through which I had been gazing before Molly came into the apartment. 

"Don't you think we'd all be safer together?" Molly asked. "I worry about Fred and George spending so much time in Diagon Alley, but they assure me they're safe, and they always leave before it's dark and take the necessary precautions."

"How is Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes coming along?" I asked, although my tone was without much sincerity. 

"Better than I expected." Molly admitted grudgingly. "I'd have felt better if they'd just stayed at Hogwarts long enough to sit their NEWTS mind you. And I'd feel a lot better if Charlie was home, although at least he's working for the Order."

"And Percy?" I asked, turning to face her.

Her face went pale. "Percy." She practically whispered. "We'd have thought once the ministry stopped covering up what had happened he would have come home and admitted he was wrong."

"I'm sure he will eventually. He's a smart kid Molly. I had the chance to look over his Defence Against the Dark Arts NEWT after I left the job, and he thought of things in it that nobody else did. Very bright." I assured her.

"Yes, well he's not acting very bright is he?" Mrs. Weasley said, two red spots appearing in her cheeks. "In fact I'm beginning to think the boys were right in calling him a git."

I smiled slightly. If it weren't such a serious subject I would have laughed hearing Mrs. Weasley call someone that. 

"Listen Remus, please come back with me. Harry needs to see you, he's in a pretty bad shape, although he keeps soldiering on poor dear." Mrs. Weasley said.

"He's there?" I asked surprised. "Wasn't the plan for him to go back to the Dursley's?"

"He did, but only for a little bit before things started getting too scary, even with better guards on him than last time." Mrs. Weasley explained. "So Albus decided enough was enough, and he was brought to us."

I nodded. It was better for Harry to be with people who loved him after the hard time he'd had in the last year or so. 

"Remus? At least think about coming to us? You know where we are now, and it's not like you've got to go back to Sirius's house!" Molly asked, her eyes pleading.

"I'll think about it." I said hoarsely, jolted at the mention of Sirius directly. Ever since his death whenever anyone had spoken to me about him they'd avoided mentioning his name directly, something I appreciated. 

"Can I at least give Harry a message from you? He really wants to see you." She asked.

"Sure, tell him I said hi, and I'll get over to see him as soon as I can." I said, sticking my hands into my pockets.

"As soon as you can?" Molly repeated her eyes boring into mine. "For gods sake Remus, you can come now. You know we've got more tact than to talk about….about things you don't want to talk about. But we, the Order, needs you."

"Just give me a few more days Molly please." I begged.

She sighed and nodded. "A few days then Remus. But no more than that. We've got some work to do and we need you."

"I understand." I said.

"Right, well I better get going. We don't like being out too long at night in case people start worrying that something has happened to us." Molly said.

"Right." I agreed listlessly. I just wanted her to go, noble and caring as her intentions were, and leave me alone to my thoughts. 

"Oh, I almost forgot." Molly said, as she was almost out the door. "Severus has been making a potion for you, says it's the least he can do under the current circumstances, and for a member of the Order and all."

"Funny, he wasn't like that last year." I snapped. "And I bet he's happy with the 'current circumstances'. It wasn't like he and Sirius ever got along was it?"

"You're upset, you don't know what you're saying." Molly argued. "Whether Sirius and Severus ever got along was of no importance- they were both still members of the Order."

"In fact maybe Severus knew that goading Sirius about not being able to leave the house would lead to….lead to what happened." I argued, beginning to get annoyed. 

Molly looked annoyed now. "Remus, that's crap and you know it."

"Maybe he hasn't even stopped working for Voldemort!" I continued.

"NONSENSE!" Molly snapped, and the terrified look in her eyes brought me back to my senses. "We've got to trust one another or else Voldemort's going to win. I hate saying that name. I wish Albus had never decided we _had_ to say it so it wouldn't increase the fear of him."

"Sorry Molly." I said, taking my hands out of my pockets where they had remained since I'd put them in there near the window and putting one on her shoulder. "I just get like this sometimes, especially in the nights before the full moon when I'm feeling a little strange."

"That's all right. I'll see you soon okay?" Molly said, and she left me alone.

I went back to the window where I had spent a lot of time since the events which had made me move here away from everyone. I knew I could go back to the Order since they were no longer staying in the Black house as it was far too dangerous. But even so I was unable to do it yet, everything was too clear and too painful. In fact it was hard to believe it had been a few weeks. For some reason my thoughts returned to when I was sixteen, a sixth year student at Hogwarts. That was the year I realised the feelings that I thought only I held, were actually returned. 

__

"What do you mean you're not going to the Yule Ball?" James demanded as we walked along the corridors. "You've got to go."

"Why?" I argued. 

"Because you're a prefect." He said, his mouth curving into a smile as he said the last word. "You've got to set a good example for all us wayward students, like Sirius, Peter and I."

I frowned. "And who would I ask?"

"Ask Marcia Simms. I've seen her staring lovingly at you throughout potions." James replied with a grin.

"And who are you going to ask?" I demanded.

"Lily Evans of course." James said with a laugh.

I shook my head. "And I can tell you know what she's going to say." I said.

James laughed again. "More than likely, but I'm sure eventually she'll give in to my dogged persistence and realise I'm more charming than the rattlesnake she keeps comparing me too."

"Who's a rattlesnake?" Peter asked, his eyes eager as he and Sirius joined us. 

Sirius met my eyes briefly and looked away. 

"Me." James said ungrammatically, as we walked into the transfiguration class. "But personally I think rattlesnakes have their good qualities….at least some of them, right Snivellus?"

Severus Snape looked up from his homework to give James a dirty look.

"Leave him." I said to James remembering my promise to Dumbledore about trying to reign in James and Sirius. 

"Alright Mr. Prefect." James said, and he sat down in his seat. "And I take back my previous comments about the Yule Ball- nobody is going to have fun with a prefect."

I shook my head. 

Sirius leant over to James. "He can't go to the ball James- think of the time of month?"

Comprehension dawned in James' eyes. "Right, of course. Damn. I guess that means we've got to miss the ball." He glanced over towards where Lily would always sit, but she was running late. 

"No, go, have fun." Sirius said. "I think Padfoot could handle this one."

And finally his eyes met mine.

I came back to the present with a start. We were in the middle of what could be the most important time of our lives, and I couldn't afford to spend my time wallowing in my memories. I sighed and turned my back on the window and walked over to open the container Molly had brought me. 

I smiled as I realised she'd made my favorite meal- pasta- in the hope I'd come over. As tough as it might be I knew I couldn't live in the past, when the future was what counted. And there would be no future if we didn't defeat Voldemort. I knew that tomorrow I'd have to make my way to the Order's new meeting place, as tough as it was going to be without one of the members there to greet me.


	2. Authors note

Authors Note:  
  
Don't think I've abandoned this story, but I've just had my last exam for the semester, but for the next week or so I'm doing a winter intensive course, which is 9-5 of classes. It's pretty full on and I've got to do all my readings for it as well as getting up at sixish to get there in time. After that I've got a few weeks of Uni holidays, so things should be less hectic then.  
  
I'm still thinking of adding a few more chapters since I want to add more Remus/Sirius slash, and I want to make it a bit longer.. 


	3. 

****

"Reflections of a werewolf."

__

"Remus." Sirius beckoned to me. "Hurry up for gods sake. It's almost sunset."

I lifted my head to acknowledge him, but I didn't increase my pace. I was feeling reckless and bored, and I was worried about things other than what changes were about to take place in my body. I reached him and he threw the invisibility cloak over our shoulders. 

"What on earth is with you tonight?" Sirius demanded.

"You mean other than the fact I'm about to change into a werewolf?" I asked sarcastically. 

Sirius didn't speak for awhile as we hurried towards the shrieking shack. Without Peter there to press the special spot on the Whomping Willow we had to resort to the use of James' invisibility cloak. 

"Actually I was thinking about what was up with you in general?" Sirius finally said. "I don't know what's bothering you Remus, but you've been acting pretty strange all this school year. In fact you've barely spoken to me let alone looked at me."

I couldn't look at him then, that was for sure. "Don't know what you mean." I said casually.

"Right." Sirius replied, his tone indicating he didn't believe a word. 

"Just leave it Sirius. It doesn't matter." I said, and my voice was deeper than usual. It was almost time for the change. 

We hurried through the door of the shack and threw the cloak off ourselves. "Fine, but don't think this is the end of it Remus." Sirius warned me. "We're meant to be friends and friends help each other out with their problems."

I walked through the shack, feeling my skin begin to change, feeling the strange pain I got inside me when I changed. Unlike the public perception changing into a werewolf isn't all that painful, but it's not comfortable. 

There was a noise behind me and Sirius, aka Padfoot padded into the room, looking at me curiously. The final bit of light went out of the sky, and I was a werewolf. 

"Good morning." Sirius said, and he stretched.

I glanced around, and then looked down. I was lying curled up against Sirius comfortably and my eyes flew straight to his eyes. He smiled at me, and I leant back against the wall. 

"What happened?" I asked. One of the most annoying things about being a werewolf was that I didn't always remember things.

"Nothing." Sirius said shrugging. "You were a bit edgy, but I didn't have a problem controlling you."

It felt so comfortable lying there in the sun next to Sirius, but I knew I had to say something. I couldn't keep going on like this, it was killing me. 

I sat bolt upright in bed. I wasn't in the shack with Sirius lying next to me, I was lying alone in the London apartment and Sirius was dead. I felt tears pricking at my eyes but I blinked them back angrily. I wasn't going to cry. I hadn't cried since Sirius had died and I wasn't going to start now. Part of me knew that once I began I wouldn't be able to stop. 

I jumped out of bed and went and made myself a strong coffee to wake me up. Moments like this were the hardest, when I'd been jerked back to reality, and knew that Sirius wasn't going to come up behind me and put his strong arms around me. Without Sirius I knew I was nothing, he was the strong one, not me. What help was I really going to be to the order like this? For that matter how could I even begin to help Harry? I swore, and slammed my coffee cup down on the bench so hard it shattered. 

Before I could begin to clean it there was the tapping noise of an owl at the window and I went over and opened it. A small owl flew in and started crashing into walls and doors. I grabbed it before it could do any more damage. Once in my hand it settled down straight away and held out it's leg where a letter was tied. I took the letter off and the moment I did the owl turned and flew out the window again. 

I shrugged as I took the letter over to the couch to read. Obviously there was no reply needed. "Remus, we need you here at the order right now. Harry's fallen sick with a fever. Molly." I stared at the letter for a moment and then crumpled it up and threw it into the fireplace. Harry needed me? Harry needed Sirius, that was who he needed and he couldn't have him ever again, and it was all my fault.

I thought about the last conversation Sirius and I had had about Harry:

__

"I'm worried about him Remus." Sirius said, and he paced up and down the room. "He's acting reckless, acting like James could be."

I looked up from the Daily Prophet, which again had not printed anything about Voldemort's return. "Isn't that what you wanted?" I asked him.

"Not if it meant he was going to get into trouble." Sirius replied. "You know I always thought James and Lily would have been better off making you his godfather. You're the responsible one."

I sighed and folded the paper. "Relax Sirius. Harry's fine. If he wanted something he'd use the mirror you gave him."

Sirius sighed too, and sank down onto the seat near me. "I suppose your right." He admitted.

"I know I'm right. Harry's a smart kid Sirius." I assured him.

"I hate being cooped up here though." Sirius said angrily, getting up and beginning to pace again. "It's not fair."

"We've been through this before." I said patiently. "You can't go out. And you're only getting like this because Severus was goading you about it."

Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair which was in desperate need of a cut. 

"Come here and stop worrying about it." I said. "Dumbledore's there looking after him. And he's having lessons with Severus. Nothing is going to happen to him."

Sirius nodded slowly and came over to sit with me on the couch.

I grabbed my wand and pointed it at the crumpled letter lying in the fireplace. A moment later it burst into flames. "I can't go." I said out loud. "I'm no bloody use now."


End file.
